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04 January 2010 @ 04:45 am

The real question is..
How did I become so nocturnal?

I said some stupid shit,
yesterday morning.
I'm pretty sure he's mad at me.
Story of my life.

In my defense,
I went to an all night screening of all
The Lord of the Rings movies,
did lunch with the grandma,
and a going away party for Kara,
which adds up to about 36 hours no sleep.
And, I had been drinking.
More importantly, I was provoked.

Hopefully he'll say something to me soon.
Even if it's only a paraphrased "I hate you".
I'd rather know what he's thinking
than trying to guess.

Christine Lawson..
Please post to LJ.
I'm curious to find out what happened.
27 December 2009 @ 02:35 am

Christmas 2009.
First good one in a long time.
Happy Happy.
I love you, Bear -
for all the change you've inspired and supported.

I saw him today.
It never gets any easier.
I wonder if it ever will..

I'm in a good place these days.
More than I've ever been,
or at least for the past little while.
It's nice.
I like that I worry about my marks,
and Christmas presents...
And not when the next time I'd be crying,
or throwing up, or hit.
It's liberating.

I miss the old days, too, though.
When my only goal was to finish everything I needed to
in order to be able to go sit at Henry Munro with Chrissy..
Or at the couch, with anyone.
Or, when I was little face.
When I was Sarita.

Things are looking up, though.
I'm expecting an 8.0 GPA for this term, which is beautiful.
My boyfriend is wonderful.
My friends are great.
And, the Counting Crows are still my love.
AND! I got an xbox elite.
Who could ask for anything more?

Merry Christmas, everyone.
14 February 2009 @ 06:00 am

Blink. Blink. Blink.

You fucking taunting little cursor.

I have this sudden new astonishment with hypocrisy.
How easy it is for people to have different standards for
similar situations..
Or the denial of their similarities all together.
Excuses. Standards. Expectations. Limits.


I think it's useless to teach kids 'fairness' and 'sharing'
in kindergarden.
Has anything since then ever been that just?
Or was it just even then?

Who really knows.
Regardless, it seems rather pointless..
and futile.

All the appointed 'authority' figures in our lives.
Teachers, bosses, judges.
Why must we just give them respect they haven't earned?

Sure.. they have seniority...
Or they are educated...
Or experienced in the trade...

So what?
They practice and preach opinions and curriculums and laws...
that aren't theirs;
That they may not even agree with?

And for what?
Because they are the same ants..
that have fallen victim to the
same trickery and manipulation
of societal acceptance, and financial greed.

What is anyone really after?
Do we even have a real definition for that anymore?

Are we completely subject to aspiring for everything we are told to?
To, chasing the distraction?

Or it could be deeper than that.
For those not in a position of searching for luxuries..
We aim to cover the basics.
Food. House. Water.

Things that don't really belong to anyone.
Things that shouldn't.

Yet we work our asses off daily to cover these basics.
But for no reason.
Other than we are born into a society where we are forced into thinking,
that yes...
this IS the way, this is the ONLY way..
When, in truth, it can't be.

This world was not given to us with appointed leaders,
with any laws..
or even any rules.

Humanity has done unto itself whatever limits currently controls it.

It's sad when you think about it.
And it could end.
If there we not this total ability to
Catch us in our youth.
Making somethings shameful from the get go.
Engraving their ideals into us.
Merely distracting us from anything real for our entire lives..
until we die.
Poor, without limits, expectations, excuses or standards.
Just as we were birthed.

We are slowly killing ourselves.
But then again, that was probably the intent.

To turn us all into monsters.
Just to prove it could be done.
Just to prove our indefinite stupidity.

Gah. This all makes me so...
08 February 2009 @ 03:45 am

Well hello there,

Interesting isn't it..?
What's that?
Oh, everything.

School makes us read all these books
splattered with all these themes
but, wouldn't it just be easier
to show us life instead?

Make us really smart.
It wouldn't be that hard..
to teach of how to think.
How to learn.
How to use our fucking brains..
Well, I guess it would be for some.

Then, I go on to hate all these little fucks.
Angry SilverCity guests, and even staff..
Which made me think about what they all did today
I wonder, maybe one of them got fired.
Out with girls, 'your boyfriend is cheating on you'
in hopes of making things better.
'What? He's just not that in to you is sold out?'
'can't you make a little room, there has to be some tickets left'
Poor little fucks.
Poor us.
Poor everyone.

I'm sitting here..
right now. Typing to this brainwashing mindsucking machine.
Girls are being raped. Babies killed. Wives abused. Children fighting in wars they can't even begin to understand.
And for what?
In the end,
this helps no one.

The only species that rages wars on themselves.

Sure, some fight in the wild.
One on one.
Not countries against countries.

I bought some pills.
I don't really know why.
Maybe to try to make life feel beautiful again, if only
for what seems like a a shit break.
Or maybe to disappear.
Maybe because I have nothing else that's real.

I know he horrible.
But at least it was real.

With the new one,
I never know.
Not for sure, anyway.
Not the way I used to.

Captain Dickhead, at my profit sucking location of child exploitation
asked me
"What are your priorities?"
I really didn't know.
I've been thinking about it all night.
And even into this morning.

Does anyone really know?
Aren't they always changing?

Goals are nice,
but when they are reached..
then what?
They say having goals keeps people happy..
I think it just keeps them distracted.
if people were to sit down and really think about life
for a long time
suicide may finally take over
as leading cause of death.
Instead of being 3rd.

Broader picture established..
I don't think any of us want to live here.
I don't think any of us should want to live here.
I am not proud of humanity.
I am not proud to be, to the money hording elitists, ignorant and malleable.
They've spent generations making a plan so good..
that even as we are slowly starting to figure it out..
it's too late.

Everything relies on fucking money.

Cept maybe those few villages in countries in less economically developed countries.
And, even then, what is that shit?
Those motherfuckers are poor as balls.
Cause we sucked 'em dry.
But I admit those tiny communities.
They rely on each other.
Continually mutually benefiting from their friendships, and relationships.
Sure, they lie, and cheat and steal..
just like every other vagina escaping fucker this world has seen.
But they uphold some sort of humanitarian values.
Although, maybe forced..

I don't know what I want from this life.
And, I don't know what this life wants from me.
But, I don't think riches the fire behind my ass.
I want to be something great.
Without having to sell out.
Make a difference.
But, a real one.
Even if it goes unnoticed.
Okay, maybe not too unnoticed, but hopefully you follow.

Anyways, Chrissy, I hope you enjoyed this..
reminders of the old days.
Since you're probably the only one reading.
Or, the only one who cares.

12 August 2008 @ 04:38 am

It's really weird to realize how unhappy you are.
That, the one person or thing that used to mean everything.. 
just isn't the same.

But then what?
I can't bring myself to break away.
I can't hurt him.
No, I just don't want to.

It's really weird to realize you're not as strong as you thought.
To be in that place he once was.
Torn between what is right and what is really right.

Listening to the same old songs,
each time connecting them to a new meaning,
to the new place you are in life.

I was never truely innocent.

I still feel alone.
I still feel depressed.

Maybe, after all this time, I've just learned how to hide it.
Maybe, I just don't care enough.
Maybe, I don't have the balls.

Even substances don't feel the same.
I still miss him sometimes.
When we are in the same room,
not speaking.
Pretending the other doesn't exsist.
It seems so, infantile.
Flecked with immaturity.
I wish, sometimes, that we could just be ok.

I wish the fairy tales told of the times after the "happily ever after"...
27 July 2008 @ 04:48 am

I just don't know. Anymore.

Seems all too weird, but feels too right.

I can't even believe myself. Or the world.
How it unforgiveingly needs to pinch a dash of confusion into every step.

I am not who I was.
I have not changed.

Why such a strong connection?

Why are you only real to me now?

Timeing is really everything.
Balanced with the right amount of chemistry.

Why is this all happening?

03 March 2008 @ 10:29 am

 9 months.
in 10 days.
I love you,

10 January 2008 @ 10:20 am

I wanna have a good time..
just like everybody else.
I don't wanna fall apart.

16 December 2007 @ 10:05 am
It's all so crazy now.

16 December 2007 @ 10:02 am

I'll be your rag doll, baby.